Seoulscapade

There’s an old saying that you will only begin to like Thailand upon your second visit. I now have a better idea of what was meant by that. But I suspect that they were not referring to a return to Bangkok or much of anywhere else on the Thai mainland. I certainly wouldn’t bother going back in a hurry.

However, the islands are another story, as I recount below. The big question in my mind is: what happened to the famous Thai smile? You know, the only time I got genuine friendliness and a genuine smile was from young women or girls, often those working in shops or restaurants. Otherwise, these were generally absent unless there was money on offer. I guess money can get you anything you want in Thailand, even a smile.

Bangkok is one of those places you just have to get used to. I don’t think I could handle the weather and pollution for long. Things might be better out of tourist mode, that is, if I was actually living and working there. By my second day in this city I had not formed a great impression of the Thai people, or rather any of them connected with the tourist industry. They were a jaded lot and occasionally openly rude without cause. And I wasn’t even a fat American!

I even got involved in one of those famous scams! It was at the end of a tiring day and I guess they caught me off guard. I was first sucked in because where I wanted to go was exactly where the ‘hooker’ was saying he could get me to cheaply. Then a real taxi was involved, which further caused me to let my guard down.

In the end, they got nothing out of me except a taxi fare but I figured that it was well worth it for the experience and to see how the whole thing was played out. To my knowledge, there were 4 ‘actors’ involved not counting staff at the shop (the final destination of the scam scenario); I call these the ‘hooker,’ the ‘driver,’ the ‘funneler’ and the ‘primer.’ It was very elaborate in terms of settings and plot; they had all the angles and details figured out, such as ways to ensure I didn’t end up sitting in the front next the taxi driver where I could hurt him. I felt pretty stupid at being duped but once I realize I went along with it to see what would happen. Click here if you want a full run down of the scam.

Starving Buddha and Gay Buddha

Often touted as the jewel of the North, Chiang Mai was less than I had expected. Upon our arrival we hit the temple trail and saw a lot of the main temples on foot and by tuk-tuk. At one stage, the tuk-tuk driver suggested we see a temple outside of town and took us to a worthwhile spot. He was one of the good guys and we hoped he would take us on a tour the following day. Unfortunately, his tuk-tuk couldn’t cope with the hilly terrain. Nonetheless, late that night we did secure a driver who had a taxi. I didn’t like the look of him that much, too shifty. But it was late, and tiredness overrode instinct.

Now, this guy we ended up being crooked. The first day went alright. But I had to arrange pricing for the second day all over again. I arranged a price for a tour all inclusive, but at the end of the day he insisted it was per person. I wasn’t going to sit in the car arguing with him; I just said, look, I’ll give you 400 baht, which was 100 more than the price I’d set the day before, and he said OK. And he did this after I’d helped him out by allowing him to take us to some of those tourist shopping traps ‘just to look’ and thereby no doubt assisting him to get a small commission. I’d done this as a kind of act of good will and because we had some time to spare. In addition, while I was out of the car getting change for his 400 baht, he was mocking my girlfriend and a piece of jewellery we bought because it was not white gold. Unfortunately, there are some people in countries like who, because of poverty or lack of education, whatever, are always going to be ignorant peasants.

Anyway, we saw the touristy things. I mainly felt sorry for the Elephants and couldn’t help thinking about their history of slavery. Of course, they’re probably looked after well as they’re a major tourist draw card. I paid money to see a show, but I figure the elephants are probably happier being in a kind of jungle circus than hauling logs all day in the middle of nowhere. There was also a snake farm we were kind of conned into going to that had a small zoo full of animals in way too small cages. This annoyed me, not only because of the life the animals had but because it was just so typical of the kind of tourist operation you get in backward countries.

My idea of going to Ko Samui last on the trip was to relax after some arduous journeying. It worked, and this place made up for earlier everything else. Our small resort, the Samui Paradise, was situation at the cleaner end of Chaweng Beach. It had quaint bungalows, and the one we were in came with a view and was about 10 metres from the beach. If you book early enough, you can get a beachside bungalow. I’d never had a holiday where you sit at a beach all day and just do nothing. I couldn’t see the sense in it, that is, until I did it. I’d would have no hesitation about going back there.

My conclusion is to be careful with who you trust in Thailand if you’re at a tourist hotspot. Everything in the country seems geared to extract your cash, and everyone is in on it. I’d advise you do everything you can in Bangkok in one day then get out as fast as you can the next; for Chiang Mai, two days, but only because you have to travel into the countryside (and more days if you want to find drugs, trekking, jungles, handicrafts, or some kind of hippie awakening). I might get to Pattaya to have a look one of these days, but, personally, I wouldn’t bother with the rest of the mainland unless I hear different. I’m definitely going back, but my efforts will be focused on the islands only.

Here’s how a Thai scam I got caught up in was played out. First the “hooker” stops you in the street with small talk—myfirst mistake was to pay attention to him; then he suggests a good temple or something to visit. He also tells you about an “expo” that many tourists visit that has good deals on. He pretends to be just helping you out, a kind of local sharing his knowledge.

What hooked me was that everything was coincidentally within reach of where I want to go anyway. It was all too easy. If you agree—my second mistake—he says he’ll explain everything to the driver and directly flags down a taxi. This taxi is, in fact, driven by someone he knows, although it doesn’t seem that way. The front door is opened but the car is parked so that the door hits the curb. Some fuss is made of this, and it presents an excuse to make sure you are seated in the back. Now you are in the hands of the “driver,” who takes you to the recommended temple.

Somewhere near the alleged temple, the driver parks and waves you in its supposed direction. As you walk in the direction he has waved, another guy will be there, another kind of friendly stranger, to point you on if you seem lost. This guy is what I call the “funneler,” who directs you down a path leading to a clearing where another “scene” is set to take place.

You came to a clearing and, naturally, do not see a temple. So you are left looking around, at which point the ‘primer’ appears. The primer will engage you in more small talk–”where are you from,” etc., the standard opener. His job is to lead the conversation around to the “expo” that the “hooker” had mentioned earlier, to prime you for when you go there. He’ll speak of the great deals and how he shops there. He’ll also throw in some familiar expressions and place names to give you the impression that he’s well travelled.

I threw a few questions at this guy and he wasn’t too smart at thinking outside of his script. He tripped up and awkwardly recovered, but I was already aware that things didn’t add up anyway.

I nodded at his sales pitch until I got a chance to ask directions to the temple. “It’s closed,” he said. Now I was getting pissed. Of course, the idea is not to give you a tour, it’s to get you to where they want you to be. After returning to the driver, he took me to the so-called “expo,” which turned out to be an ordinary backstreet shop. The windows were blackened, and I asked the driver whether or not it was actually open. This is when he really nervy, insisting that I go inside. That may or may not have been part of the script. At this point I really felt like smacking him a few times.

However, I decided to follow through. I got out and went to see what was inside. It was empty except for the shop attendants hanging around, and there were women inside who immediately scurried off with guilty looks. All I could see was standard tourist junk jewelry and clothing. I strolled about quickly brushing off staff attempts to engaged me in conversation. There was an atmosphere of intimidation but I think they could sense I wasn’t going to take much more shit from anyone. I’d had enough of the game. I left pretty quick.

So this was where the drama was designed to lead me in the hope I would part with some cash. I wondered if they ever made any money out of this; if they’re still doing it then I guess there are tourists out there who don’t know when they’re being shafted. What they got out of me, split up between all of the “players” amounted to very little even by Thai standards. The driver would have made more had he actual been doing an honest day’s work.

Outside I noticed that a mini bus was blocking in the taxi driver. It’s driver saw me and moved to let the taxi out. How this fits into the plot I don’t know. What was going on there? Was the taxi driver under some obligation?

I walk over to the taxi, seeing the driver vigorously and elaborate pick his nose hair. I’d seen this disgusting and childish behaviour in China when someone is unhappy with a tourist. If you’re lucky enough to be treated to one of these spectacles, just be aware that it’s all about trying to insult you, not about personal hygiene.

I got in the taxi and told the driver to take me further into China town. On the way, he continued to nose-hair pick and I continue to ignore it. I was soon in the main part of China town a couple of blocks away and suggested that he drop me there and then, offering probably more than the fair would have added up to but not much more.

He agreed and suddenly became concerned with my welfare in getting out of the taxi. I got out and treated him with politeness, saying thanks with as much sincerity as I could muster, in the hope that it would make him feel like crap.